Catching up

 Dear Joanna;

I'm trying to catch up on my blog posts and this is kinda as far back as I can remember:

Friday, January 21st

I stayed over at my cousin Ling's house in Flushing for five days last week, so I've been trying to enjoy spending time at home. I want to spend the entire day at home, but I've been out every single say. The day before this I went out to the bank to open my bank account because Ling told me the gov't sends you financial aid faster if they can send it to your bank account. ? I have no idea how this works.

I wanted to stay home all day, but my mom suggested I try going to Aerosoles again to return my stupid boots. I was like, fine, whatever. Guess what. I got there, and I STILL COULD NOT RETURN IT. I was beyond pissed. It was all because my cousin paid for me with her credit card since I didn't have enough money with me. I needed the credit card to return. I know, it was stupid, why didn't I just ask the guy if I needed the card to return the last time I went there? I am someone who likes to push my luck, and I assumed it would work anyway, because sometimes the people there are nice and let you. Nope, no such luck.

It was terrible. I was so incredibly frustrated and angry, but had to bottle it up. I wanted to throw the boots through the doors, that's how bad it was. So I pushed down my anger like I always do and took the bus home. Only, the anger came out as sadness and I started crying because I thought, "Why the hell can't I do anything right? I'm so stupid at doing things normal people do." And it's true, too. I'm only good at living in my own little world. Even worse, it was just a string of bad days that felt like the world acting against me. I couldn't stop crying, so I didn't go home right away. I went to the library, and finally calmed down. I wasn't angry or crying, just very still.

As soon as I got home, it blew up in front of me, of course. My mom started lecturing me about how I was being stupid, of course you need the credit card, and I just didn't want to hear it, you know? I went into my bathroom, the only place in the house I really feel calm, and sat down and cried some more. But crying is annoying for me, because I tell myself I'm stupid for wasting time with it. I went downstairs to do some exercise, take my mind off everything. I read one of my favorite books instead of going on the computer and slept early. It wasn't an easy day, but well, I think my usual method of pushing it all down and distracting myself worked, don't you?

God, now I'm making sick jokes about it. I'm sick and tired of going out. I just want to stay home, where nothing really bad happens.

Love, Wendy